I use the word "we've" because Jordan and I are a unit, a pair. She is my doppelgänger, a mini-me, but not in the ghostly way that word has previously been used. She emanates my boldness but has softer edges of her own.
It's amazing to watch Jordan fall in love with Cheryll. I mean, that's what it is, she's learning to love someone new. She's welcomed her into our lives just as easily as I have and previously, this was unheard of. I like to think Jo is at a phase in her life where she is expanding emotionally as her physicality is also growing, changing.
Last night we went to see fireworks with friends and as we were leaving I witnessed Jordan in her purest form. She stood up and hugged Cheryll so tightly. It was instinct and natural for her. Jo is not much for words when describing her feelings. It's always in her actions that you see this purity in her. My heart smiled.
They have a rhythm of their own. My girls are always conspiring and plotting things behind my back but not in a bad way. It's always for jest and laughter. Like the time about a week ago where I was walking along, la la la, head in the clouds and WHAM! Cheryll smacked my bottom so loudly I swear the sky roared and those clouds my head was in rattled around. Jo nearly collapsed in her giggling hysteria. They had apparently been watching me walk along for a little bit and once again, plotted against me for their own amusement.
And then there was last night before leaving to see the fireworks. I had such an emotional day yesterday which went from crying over equal rights and being a lesbian to crying over reading other lesbians love stories and wedding stories and all that jazz. I had just come out of my room and was hollering at Jo to hurry and get her shoes on so we can leave. Standing at the credenza in the hallway I glimpsed something out of the corner of my eye, turned immediately, jumped and screamed being startled in the moment and chucked my phone at whatever was there. It was Cheryll. Both of them dropped to the floor cracking up at my reaction. Jo knew Cheryll was there. I was not expecting her home at that time; she was supposed to be with her family. But my girlfriend is amazing and has been the only one in my life to ever anticipate my needs. I needed her, to be with her after my overly emotional ranting and raving of a day. I didn't, and wouldn't have, told her I needed her...but she knew.
I'm always trying to define everything in my life. Like it all needs to be so orderly and described in perfect little boxes in my brain. Categorized and organized. What a joke, huh? So I'm always thinking about what makes this relationship so different from all the rest. How is this love different? When I think about the way Cheryll cares for us, the simplicity of the things she does that speak volumes about her character, it overwhelms my heart. I figured it out last week...when I look at her in our most intimate moments just lying in bed and talking...this is the first person, first relationship, that reminds me of the love I immediately had for my child when she entered this world. Here I am safe, nurtured, exposed yet loved unconditionally. I remember when Jo was born how I knew in that instant that this was the purest form of love I had ever experienced and how sad I also felt that I truly believed that type of love could not exist between lovers, friends.
But it found me! Over the course of disappointment in failed relationships I grew tired, weary of all the out there that we so want to believe in with all our hearts. Now I know what they mean when they say..."You'll just know when you meet the right person. Something will just click!"
I love her for what she is and what I am when I am with her. I love her for what she has made of herself and where she is headed and for what she is making of me in this journey. I love her for pulling out of me all of the beautiful things that make me who I am, that no one else had looked deep enough to find. I love her for taking the worst of me with the best of me even before our vows.
And I love her for helping me to realize that who I am today, where I am in life, and all I have to offer right now, in this moment, is truly enough for the right person!