Thursday, January 6, 2011

Happy New Year!

I'm soooo late with this Happy New Year lol but here's why...

Christmas was great though it flew by. I was happy to have many days off to be home and get the house in order. Christmas eve was spent at our house with friends and my mom was able to join us for dinner surprising Jordan. 

I have to admit some things here...I'm not feeling all too "happy" yet in this new year. Maybe it's the "season" for being down or something. Typically I'm the more chipper happy-go-lucky type who peps everyone else up. But lately I feel like the world, and things around me, are just bringing me down man. And there just seems like there's soooo much to manage all around. 

1st - Mom visiting...touchy subject. I love my mom but she came out here on my sister's dime and that posed some restrictions. See, my sister and I we don't get along and that's putting it nicely. She and her husband, although having their own "gay" lifestyles in the past (marriage of convenience? maybe!), do not agree with mine in the present. Oh they will spout some crap about our failed relationship being based on some garbage I supposedly told another family member (although I have proof of that email exchange and they are the liars!) but it really boils down to their organized religion and what it had bread them to believe about homosexuality and the sort. I suppose they even feel "cured" themselves. Who knows? But mom was staying at their place and was able to spend Christmas eve with us and one day later that week before heading back to PA. Two things suck the most about this. A) We couldn't see my nephews. I still sent presents through my mom. But we weren't allowed to see the boys. B) I had to deal with my daughters tears over not being able to see her grandmother again until next summer and how they had such little time to be together when  she was here.

2nd - The work thing is kinda stressing me out although I don't generally talk negative about it but I simply do not trust anyone I work with anymore. Sad to admit but I feel like every time I walk into this building someone is up to something! Behaviors of some of the people I work closely with are so sporadic and questionable that it's making me sketch out! Not based in reality I'm sure. My therapist would have me look at the facts of things first, then focus on only those facts rather than the circumstances I may be "creating" in my own head hahaha Good part is that I've volunteered to cover the work of a colleague in another department while she is out on maternity leave. So if I don't get axed before end of March...I'm solid through June!

3rd - Because of all the work uncertainty we haven't moved forward really with any solid wedding planning. I still feel like i'm in the dream state of "is this really happening?" Sure we "talk" about a lot of little things with it. I feel like I'm the only one really really thinking about this wedding and having ideas. I know that Cheryll would rather keep it simple and elope lol Part of me feels like this would be the easiest thing to do too. I'm so stuck on this dream I've always had about getting married and having other people there...people who I love the most with me. I don't want it to be some big pomp and circumstance. I don't need anything over the top. But I'm finding myself feeling bad about the little things that I do want. Am I being selfish because I want something that I, not you or anyone with an opinion, wants? I've been vocal about things that I want. But also I feel more bad that Cheryll hasn't voiced anything really. I don't know anything that she wants. And this makes me feel really alone right now. I know she's focused on her work and the upcoming academy in March and has her own stressors...but really? I feel like I'm always having to work with other people's stuff and around other peoples schedules...can someone throw me a bone please?? I know money is always a factor and we are starting to save and can't make any major deposits yet (we really don't have to until fall of this year) but can't we atleast devote some "together" time into really discussing this? I have no clear "theme" or "colors", I have ideas, but without her input...I'm kinda up in the air with everything.

4th - We had the over-the-range microwave in our kitchen short out. I got to pick out a really nice one but yesterday was a hot mess at home. I had scheduled the housekeeper to come on a morning when Cheryll didn't have to wake up early...big mistake 'cause Cheryll had to jump outta bed when she got there. Home Depot scheduled my delivery for 9a-1p which coincided with everything else. Ugghhh it was nuts for a little bit. Cheryll was late to work 'cause she couldn't shower until Estella was done in our room and then the truck blocked the driveway, and she had a terrible attitude about it all lol which put me on the defensive and left me in a mood. The garbage disposal had also stopped working during the holiday and it's since been fixed but the outlet cover/switch is still exposed and I don't care that it's not the same color but the guy did so now we have to wait until he's available again to change it out and complete the job!

5th - I've started my 2011 Goals list and I think they are very practical things I want to accomplish this year...trouble is I'm sooo not motivated!  When I'm home, after laundry, and cooking, and dealing with Jordan...all I want to do is lay in bed and watch TV!

So all this leads up to a big question....Could I possibly be a little depressed???

We're going to our first bridal show this weekend and meeting up with some friends. Let's see if my frown turns upside down :-)

2 comments:

  1. I think you are just overwhelmed, which I can totally relate!

    When it comes to work, just do you, girl. I understand what it feels like to have people gunning for you but if you go in there and give it your best, they'll find it harder to nitpick.

    When it comes to wedding, I'm with Cheryll (lol) but that is because financially I'm righting a lot of wrongs I did (due to my ex-relationship, grrr) and I want to knock all that out. Saving for a wedding, even though our budget is 10K seems like a lot but I try to be optimistic and hope things work out. Still, at this point, I'd rahter elope and then have the wedding later or just elope and throw a party but the tall boo doesn't want to do that. Just have faith that it all will work out and there is nothing wrong with looking around and getting ideas - you never know what you'll find!

    I am with you on the 2011 list. I have mine, I'm getting off to a slower start but I'm going to force my black ass into high gear over the weekend. I just needed to meander in 2011 for a bit.

    Please post about the wedding expo! :)

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  2. Thanks Cynthia!! I will definitely post about my adventures in the heterobridalworld! :-)

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